Children's Character

 

Many people are concerned about their children’s unstable characters and
the effects of luxury on their personalities. How can we introduce strength
and honour into our children’s characters?

Praise be to Allaah.



The issue referred to in the question is one of the most serious problems in raising
children nowadays. Some of the Islamic solutions to this problem and ways of instilling
strength and honour in our children’s character are listed below:



Takniyyah (using the kunya or patronymic in addressing children)

Calling a young boy "Abu Foolaan" ("Father of so-and-so) or a young girl "Umm
Foolaan" ("Mother of so-and-so") will make the child feel more responsible and grown
up, so he will become more mature and will feel above normal childishness. The
Prophet
(Peace & Blessings of Allaah be upon Him) used to give kunyas to children. Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:
"The Prophet
(Peace & Blessings of Allaah be upon Him) was the best of people in attitude and manners. I had a brother whom
people used to call Abu ‘Umayr. I think he was just past the age of weaning, and
whenever he came along the Prophet
(Peace & Blessings of Allaah be upon Him) would say to him, ‘O Abu ‘Umayr, what did the
nughayr do (Ya Abaa ‘Umayr ma fa’ala al-nuhgayr)?’" (The nughayr was a small bird with
which he used to play). (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5735).



Umm Khaalid bint Khaalid reported that the Prophet
(Peace & Blessings of Allaah be upon Him) was given some clothes, among
which was a small black garment made of silk, known as a khameesah. He said, "Who
do you think I should give this to?" The people were silent, then he said, "Bring me
Umm Khaalid" and she was carried to him (which indicates that she was very young).
He picked up the garment and put it on her, saying, "Enjoy it until it wears out." There
was a green or yellow spot on it, and he said, "O Umm Khaalid, this is sanaah" –
sanaah means "beautiful" in Ethiopian. (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5375).



According to another report also narrated by al-Bukhaari: "He looked at the khameesah
and pointed to it, saying, ‘O Umm Khaalid, this is sanaa, O Umm Khaalid, this is
sanaa." Sanaa in Ethiopian means beautiful. (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 5397).



Taking them to gatherings and letting them sit with grown-ups

This will increase their understanding and wisdom, and make them try to imitate adults,
as well as keeping them from spending too much time on games and entertainment. The
Sahaabah used to bring their children with them when they went and sat with the
Prophet
(Peace & Blessings of Allaah be upon Him). One of the stories that describe this was narrated by Mu’aawiyah ibn Qurrah
from his father, who said: "The Prophet
(Peace & Blessings of Allaah be upon Him) used to sit with a group of his Companions.
One man had his little son with him; he would bring him from behind and make him sit
in front of him…" (Reported by al-Nisaa’i and classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Ahkaam al-Janaa’iz).



Talking to them about the heroic deeds of earlier and subsequent generations, Islamic
battles and Muslim victories

This will encourage them to be brave, which is one of the most important parts of being
strong and honourable. Al-Zubayr ibn al-‘Awwam had two children, one of whom was
present at some of the battles, and the other of whom used to play with the old battle
scars on his father’s shoulder. This was reported by ‘Urwah ibn al-Zubayr, who said
that the Companions of the Messenger of Allaah
(Peace & Blessings of Allaah be upon Him) said to al-Zubayr on the day of
Yarmook, "Will you go and attack, and we will go with you?" He said, "If I attacked,
you would be lying." They said, "No, we will do (as we promised)." So he launched an
attack (against the Romans), penetrating their ranks and passing straight through, but no
one was with him. Then he turned around and came back, and the Romans seized the
reins of his horse and wounded him twice in the shoulder. Between these two new
wounds was a scar from a wound he had received at Badr. ‘Urwah said, "When I was
little, I used to play by putting my fingers in those scars." ‘Urwah said, " ‘Abdullaah
ibn al-Zubayr was with him on that day. He was ten years old. He (al-Zubayr) put him
on a horse and entrusted him to the care of another man." (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 3678).



Commenting on this hadeeth, Ibn Hijr (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
"Al-Zubayr felt that his son ‘Abdullaah was brave and chivalrous, so he put him on a
horse, but he feared that he might attempt to do more than he was able, so he put
another man with him so that he could feel that he was safe from the attacks of the
Romans should he become distracted by the fighting." Ibn al-Mubaarak reported from
Hishaam ibn ‘Urwah from his father from ‘Abdullaah ibn al-Zubayr that he was with his
father on the day of Yarmook, and when the mushrikoon ran away, he attacked and
started killing their wounded, i.e., he finished off every wounded soldier whom he
found. This indicates that he was strong and brave from childhood.



Teaching them good manners

Among the manners that should be taught are those described in the hadeeth narrated
by Abu Hurayrah from the Prophet
(Peace & Blessings of Allaah be upon Him): "The young should greet the old, the passerby
should greet one who is sitting, and the small group should greet the larger group."
(Al-Bukhaari, 5736).



Giving them the praise and respect they deserve in front of others

This is made clear by the following hadeeth: Sahl ibn Sa’d (may Allaah be pleased with
him) said that the Prophet
(Peace & Blessings of Allaah be upon Him) was brought a cup and he drank from it. There was a boy,
the youngest of all the people, on his right and some elders on his left. He said, "O
young boy, will you allow me to give this to these elders?" The boy said, "I will not
give away my share of your blessings to anyone, O Messenger of Allaah," so he gave
the cup to him. (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 2180)



Teaching them manly sports

- such as archery, swimming and horse riding.



Avoiding humilating them, especially in front of others

Never belittling their ideas, and encouraging them to take part



Consulting them and asking for their opinions



Giving them responsibilities in accordance with their age and abilities



Teaching them to be brave as appropriate – including how to speak in public



Making sure their clothes are modest and protecting them from inappropriate clothing,
hairstyles, movements and ways of walking



Making sure that boys do not wear silk, as this is only for women



Avoiding extravagance, luxury, laziness and idleness

‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: "Get used to a rough life, for luxury does
not last forever."



Avoiding entertainment or pastime gatherings, singing, music and other wastes of time, because these go against strength, honour and seriousness



These are some of the ways and means which will increase strength and honour, and
protect our children.

Allaah is the One Who guides to the Straight Path

Is it counted as committing sin openly if a person commits sin in front of his children?

 

Is it counted as committing sin openly if a person commits sin in front of his children?

Praise be to Allaah. 

We put this question to our shaykh, Muhammad ibn Saalih
al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah preserve him), who answered as follows:

 I seek refuge with Allaah! This is worse than committing
sin openly, because in addition to committing sin openly, it is giving
a bad upbringing.

 Question: If he does it inside his own house and
not in front of people, will he still be counted as committing sin openly?

 Answer: If he were to do it
in his own room on his own, we would not say that this committing sin
openly, but the fact that he is doing it in front of his children means
that he is giving them a bad upbringing as well as committing sin openly.
Hence smokers must not smoke in front of their children, because by
doing so they are teaching them to smoke. And Allaah knows best.

Is it permissible for cousins of the opposite sex to play together

 

Are cousins of the opposite sex allowed to
play together?

Praise be to Allaah.

If the cousins are male and female and are young and
have not reached the age where they could feel desire and temptation, then there is no
harm in their playing together. If they are older, then it is forbidden because cousins
are not Mahrams (close relatives whom one is permanently forbidden to marry and with whom
the rules of hijaab and segregation are relaxed). Cousins are ‘Ajaanib or strangers
(non-Mahrams) to the daughters of their paternal uncles (father’s brothers) and
maternal uncles (mother’s brothers). And Allaah knows best.

Hitting children for purposes of discipline and threatening to punish one’s wife

 

Is it a sin to hit one's children by hand or stick. I only do this when I feel the child has not obeyed my instruction after several warnings.
Also, is it a sin to lift a hand for one's wife. There are times when I feel that it should be done but have resisted thus far.
As for the case of the children, I feel extremely guilty after the spanking given and beg The Almighty for his forgiveness if the act is wrong.
Is there duaas which I may read daily for The Almighty to guide my children and bless them with good Aqaa'id?

Praise be to Allaah. 

The
father’s duty is to bring his children up well and to take care of them,
and hitting may be used as a means of discipline when the situation
requires that. The Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) commanded us to smack children for not praying when they reach the
age of ten, but this should be the last resort, when all others have
failed, and there should be no harshness in the hitting, and we must not
hit the face. The father should not hit his child at the time of extreme
anger, or with a sharp instrument that may injure him, or with anything
that may break bones, and he should not hit him in a place where a blow
may be fatal. Brandishing the stick may be more effective than actually
hitting. The point is that when disciplining his child, a father should
follow the principle of using the gentlest means then the next gentlest;
he should not resort to the harshest and most difficult means if he can
achieve his aim with something that is easier and gentler.

 With
regard to hitting one’s wife, this is not the first choice of ways to
discipline her. First of all one should exhort and advise her. If that
does not work, then (the husband) should forsake her in bed [i.e., not
have conjugal relations with her]. If that does not work, then he may hit
her, but not severely, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning);

“As to those women on whose part you see ill‑conduct, admonish them
(first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly,
if it is useful); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them
means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great”
[al-Nisaa’ 4:34].

The Messenger
of Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) has told us
that the best of people are not those who beat their wives.

 With
regard the guidance of children, the parents must do the things that will
lead to that, such as advising them, keeping them away from bad 
company, helping them to maintain ties with righteous friends,
treating them well and continuing to pray for them to be righteous and to
be guided. Among the du’aa’s for children that have been narrated are:

“Our
Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our
eyes” [al-Furqaan 25:74 – interpretation of the meaning]

and:

“and
make my offspring good” [al-Ahqaaf 46:15 – interpretation of the
meaning]

--
or any other good du’aa’, but along with making du’aa’ one 
must also use other means that will help to make them strong and
steadfast in Islam. And Allaah is the guide to the Straight Path.

 

Children exposing their private parts to one another

 

I am a very distressed father, I caught my two young children (7 yr boy and 5 yr girl) exposing to each other their genitals. In my shock I severely beat them, but I don't know if what I did was correct. My two children have withdrawn from me and only speak to their mother but rarely also. We are both worried. What is the best way to resolve this situation ? We need your help and advise!

Praise be to Allaah. 

The
most important thing is for a father to deal wisely and in a balanced
manner with his children’s mistakes. He should beware of letting his
eagerness to deal with and correct the mistake cause him to make an
even greater mistake.

 Children
at this age may not understand the implications of such actions. What
usually leads them to do such things is seeing certain things on TV.
So we must try hard to know the source of this behaviour and where the
children have learned it from, and we should try to protect them and
keep them away from the sources of such things.

 The
feelings that your children have will most likely disappear after a
while, especially if you treat them gently and deal with them in a kind
and loving manner.

Shaykh
Muhammad al-Duwaysh

 Do
not forget to pay attention to the hadeeth of the Prophet SAWS (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “… And separate them in their
beds” (Narrated by Abu Dawood, and classed as saheeh
by al-Albaani. See Saheeh Sunan
Abi Dawood, 1/97)

 Try
to explain to them how ugly this action is, and tell them that this
is something the Shaytaan likes, as Allaah says (interpretation of the
meaning):

“O
Children of Adam! Let not Shaytaan (Satan) deceive you, as he got your
parents [Adam and Hawwa’ (Eve)] out of Paradise, stripping them of their
raiments, to show them their private parts

[al-A’raaf
7:27]

  It
was narrated that Bahz ibn Hakeem said, my father told me, from my grandfather,
who said: “I said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah, what about our ‘awrah?’ He
said, ‘Conceal your ‘awrah from everyone except your wife and female
slaves whom your right hand possesses.’ He said, ‘ What about a man
with another man?’ He said, ‘If you can manage not to let anyone see
it, then do so.’ I said, ‘What if a man is on his own?’ He said, ‘Allaah
is more deserving that you should be modest before Him.’” (Narrated
by Abu Dawood. Classed as hasan by al-Albaani. See Saheeh
Sunan Abi Dawood, no. 3391).

 And
tell them that this abhorrent action is something which is done by evildoers
and immoral people who are hated by their Lord. May Allaah make your
children righteous. May Allaah bless our Prophet Muhammad.

To whose record are the good deeds of prepubescent children added?

 

Are the good deeds of a child who has
not yet reached puberty – such as salaat, Hajj, reciting Qur’aan – all
added to his parents’ record or to his own?

Praise be to Allaah

The reward for the deeds of a child who has not reached puberty –
meaning his good deeds – go to the child himself, not to his parents or anyone else,
but his parents will be rewarded for teaching and guiding and helping him to do good,
because of the report in Saheeh Muslim from Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased
with him) who said, “A woman held up a boy and said, ‘O Messenger of Allaah,
will his Hajj be counted?’ He said, ‘Yes, and you will have a
reward.’” (Reported by Muslim, 2378)

The Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) stated that the Hajj would be counted for the boy, and that his mother would be
rewarded for taking him on Hajj.

Similarly, people other than the parents may also be rewarded for good
deeds, such as teaching those under their care such as orphans, relatives, servants and
other people, because the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“Whoever guides others to do good will have a reward similar to that of the one who
does it …” (reported by Muslim in his Saheeh, 3509),
and because this is a form of co-operating in righteousness and piety, which Allaah urges
us to do.

Children of women who were raped in Bosnia and Kosova

 

What is the ruling on the children of women who were raped in Bosnia and Kosova? Should they be left to their fathers or should they be taken and raised by the Muslims?

Praise be to Allaah. 

With regard to the children, the Muslims are obliged to
take care of them and bring them up in Islam. They must not leave them
to the Christians or others. As Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“The believers, men and women,
are Awliya’ (helpers, supporters, friends, protectors) of one another”
[al-Tawbah 9:71].

And the Prophet (peace and blessings
of Allaah be upon him) said:

“The likeness of the believers in their mutual love, mercy and compassion
is that of the body: when part of it is in pain, the whole body joins
it in staying awake and having a fever.”

And these children come under the ruling of orphans, and
Allaah has prescribed kind treatment to orphans in particular.

Islamic education in the West

 

How do we as muslims living inthe west
maintain an Islamic Education for our children. Primary and secondary education upto the
age of 15/16 may be provided in Muslim schools (which are also very expensive), but as for
Higher Education there is no such Islamic Institute.
Even on the secondary school level on the agenda of Curriculum, we do not
have books that deal with the branches of knowledge that are available in secular
institutes, such as; Political science, Sociology, Psychology, Pedagogy. Please advise on
how we should go about bringing about an Islamic Education fystem for our Youth i the west
(bearing in mind that it is near Impossible for us to migrate to Arab/Muslim countries
because of the restrictions on immigration etc.)
May Allah reward you.

Praise be to Allaah.

In order to preserve the structure of the Muslim family
in the kaafir countries, we need to meet a number of conditions and requirements, both
within the home and outside it:

Within the home:

It is essential for parents to uphold the habit of praying regularly in
the mosque with their children; if there is no mosque nearby, then they must pray in
jamaa’ah at home.

They have to read Qur’aan and listen to its recitation daily.

They must eat meals together.

They must speak in the language of the Qur’aan as much as they can.

They must uphold the good manners prescribed by the Lord of the Worlds
for families and in social settings; these include those that are to be found in Soorat
al-Noor.

They should not let themselves or their children watch immoral and
corrupt movies.

Their children have to sleep at home and should stay home as much as
possible, to protect them from the influences of the bad environment outside. They should
be very strict in not allowing their children to sleep outside the home
(“sleepovers”).

They should avoid sending their children to universities far from home
where they would have to stay in university accommodation, otherwise we will lose our
children, who will be assimilated into the kaafir society.

We have to be careful to eat only halaal food and the parents must avoid
using all kinds of haraam things such as cigarettes, marijuana and other things which are
widely available in kaafir countries.

Outside the home:

We must send our children to Islamic schools from kindergarten to the
end of secondary school (high school).

We must also send them to the mosque as much as possible, to pray
Jumu’ah and other prayers in jamaa’ah, and to attend lectures, halaqahs and
study circles, etc.

We must establish educational and sporting activities for children and
youth in places that are supervised by Muslims.

Organizing educational camps where all members of the family can go.

Fathers and mothers should strive to go to the Holy Places to perform
the rituals of ‘Umrah and the obligations of Hajj, accompanied by their children.

Training children to speak about Islam in simple language which adults
and children, Muslim and non-Muslim, can understand.

Training children to memorize Qur’aan and sending some of them
– if possible – to a Muslim Arab country so that they can gain an understanding
of the religion, then come back to be daa’iyahs who are equipped with knowledge of
Islam and the language of the Qur’aan.

Training some of our sons to give Jumu’ah Khutbahs, and to lead the
Muslims in prayer, so that they will become leaders of the Muslim community.

Encouraging children to marry early so as to protect their religious and
worldly interests.

10-We have to encourage them to marry Muslim girls from families who
are known for their religious commitment and good attitudes.

11-We have to avoid using the number 911 and calling the police to come
to the house to resolve conflicts. If conflicts arise, we must get in touch with a
responsible member of the Muslim community or with wise Muslims to help resolve the
conflict.

12-Not attending parties where there is dancing, music and singing, or
joining in celebrations of immorality or the festivals of kufr; stopping our children,
with wisdom, from going to church on Sundays with Christian students.

And Allaah is the Source of strength and the Guide to the Straight
Path.

Discipline of orphans

 

There is a muslim who married a widow who has
two children from her first marriage.Which Islamic rights has this man towards the
children? Has the man the right to tell or force the children to pray? Is the boy allowed
to call him "daddy"?
Is there any case he must treat them differently?

 

Praise be to Allaah.

Yes, he should order them to pray, as the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“Instruct the child to pray when he reaches the age of seven…”
(Reported by Abu Dawood in al-Sunan, Kitaab al-salaat, Baab mataa yu’mar
al-sabiyyu bi’l-salaat).

The scholars said: “The child should be taught about tahaarah
(purity and cleanliness, i.e., wudoo’ etc) and prayer when he reaches
the age of ten years.”

The meaning of discipline or instruction is to smack, threaten
and rebuke. The child’s guardian should teach him about tahaarah
and salaat, and tell the child to do these things, when he reaches the
age of seven, and he should discipline him and force him to do them when he
reaches the age of ten.

The guiding principle here is the hadeeth of the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him): “Teach the child to pray when he is seven, and smack him if he does
not pray when he is ten.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, who said it
is a hasan hadeeth).

According to another report, he said: “Tell
the child to pray when he is seven, and smack him if he does not do it when
he is ten, and separate them in their beds.” This training is ordained
by Islam to teach the prayer and let the child get used to praying, so that
he will be accustomed to it and will not forget it when he reaches puberty.
There is no difference between boys and girls in this matter of discipline.
(See Al-Mughni by Ibn Qudaamah, Baab sifat al-salaat).

Some people may not feel comfortable about disciplining orphans,
but the right approach is for their guardian to teach them and direct them in
whatever way is beneficial, even if this involves being harsh with the child
for his own sake. There is nothing wrong with that, as the poet said:

“He was harsh so that they would understand. Let the one
who is determined and resolved be harsh sometimes towards those for whom he
cares.”

The scholars said: “(A guardian) has the right
to smack an orphan under his care just as he would smack his own child.”
(See Al-durr al-mukhtaar: Baab al-ta’zeer).

As regards the matter of an orphan calling his guardian “Father”
or “Daddy,” this question has already been answered: please see question
# 1041. And Allaah knows best.

 

Children's education

 

Asalaamulaikum respected brother,

Insha'Allah, you may be able to help me answer these questions for a friend
of mine.

1. What is Islam's view on the parents' (especially the father's) responsibility
to educate their children? Additionally, what type or manner of education is
most islamically correct (i.e. private or public school etc.)?

2.What is touhfat al-arouss?

3. Could you please explain fiqh as-sunna?

Jazakullah Khair for your help.

Al-hamdu lillaah. Praise be to Allaah.

No doubt that a child's education is one of life's necessities, and as such spending to
achieve it is obligatory on the parents. However, the level of education that a Muslim
should provide for his children is not necessarily the highest level possible. This is
because a child can lead a perfectly normal life with only, for example, high school
education.

And as for whether private schools are better than public schools from the shari'ah
(Islamic jurisprudence) standpoint, I do not think that there is a general rule by which
we can favor one schooling system over the other. It all depends on the specifics of
each individual case when assessed with respect to curricula, teachers' skills, and the
school district credibility.

Wallaahu a'lam. And Allaah knows best.

 

Islamic ruling on missionary groups adopting Muslim orphans

 

What is the ruling of Islam on missionary groups adopting Muslim orphans? Can you give us evidence (daleel) concerning that?

Praise be to Allaah. 

It
is not permissible to hand over Muslim orphans to the kuffaar, Christians
or others, because of the great danger that this poses to the orphans,
and because they will not be given an Islamic upbringing. They (orphans)
are a trust (amaanah) for which the Muslims are responsible, so it is
not permissible to place them under the guardianship of anyone else.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“The believers, men and women, are Awliyaa’ (helpers,
supporters, friends, protectors) of one another” [al-Tawbah
9:71]

 “And
those who disbelieve are allies of one another, (and) if you (Muslims
of the whole world collectively) do not do so [i.e. become allies, as
one united block under one Khaleefah (a chief Muslim ruler for the whole
Muslim world) to make victorious Allaah’s religion of Islamic Monotheism],
there will be Fitnah (wars, battles, polytheism) and oppression on the
earth, and a great mischief and corruption (appearance of polytheism).”
[al-Anfaal 8:73]  

Will children be rewarded for their good deeds?

 

Asalamu alaykum,
I know that a person is not accounted for his sins before the age of
puberty, what about his good deeds, does he get awarded for them?
Jazakum Allah Khair

Praise be to Allaah.

Yes, children will be rewarded for doing good deeds, because of the
hadeeth reported by Muslim in his Saheeh (no. 1335) from Ibn ‘Abbaas (may
Allaah be pleased with them both), who said: “A woman lifted up a child and said,
‘O Messenger of Allaah, will his Hajj be counted?’ He said, ‘Yes, and you
will be rewarded.’” The author of Mawaahib al-Jaleel fi Sharh Mukhtasar
Shaykh al-Khaleel said, regarding the matter of children being instructed to pray when
they reach the age of seven: “Al-Qaraafi said in al-Yawaaqeet fi’l-Mawaaqeet:
children will earn reward for good deeds that they do because of the hadeeth of the
Khath’ami woman [who lifted up her child and asked the Prophet
(peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) about his Hajj].”

Ibn Rushd said: “The bad deeds of young children are not recorded
but their good deeds will be recorded, according to the sound opinion.”

Ibn ‘Abd al-Barr said in al-Tamheed, commenting on the
first hadeeth quoted therein, which is the hadeeth of the Khath’ami woman:
“… Abu’l-‘Aaliyah al-Riyaahi said: ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab said:
the young child’s good deeds will be recorded but his bad deeds will not be
recorded.”

The author of Mawaahib al-Jaleel said, concerning children
entering ihraam for Hajj and ‘Umrah:

“The scholars do not differ concerning the fact that children will
be rewarded for whatever acts of obedience (to Allaah) they do, and will be let off for
any bad deeds that they do, and any bad deeds they do deliberately will be counted as
mistakes. It says in Mukhtasar al-Waadihah: ‘Hajj is not an obligation for
boys and girls until boys reach puberty and girls begin menstruating, but there is nothing
wrong with taking them for Hajj. It is recommended (mustahabb), and the Messenger of
Allaah
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) did so.’”

Then he reported that Talhah ibn Musarrif said: “It was one of the
customs of the Muslims to take their children for Hajj and expose them to the mercy of
Allaah.”

Ibn ‘Abd al-Barr said in al-Tamheed that it is encouraged
to take children for Hajj, and that the majority of scholars say this. He also said:
“It is nothing strange that a child should earn reward and status in the Hereafter
for his salaah, zakaah, Hajj and other good deeds if he does them as they should be done,
(because this is) grace and mercy from Allaah, just as Allaah shows mercy to the dead by
rewarding them for acts of charity done on their behalf by the living. Do you not see that
they (the scholars) are agreed that a child should be commanded to pray when he reaches
the age of understanding and that the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon
him) led Anas and the orphan in prayer? Most of the salaf said that zakaah has to be paid
on the property of orphans, and it is impossible that they would not be rewarded for that.
Their guardians and the one who does this on their behalf will also certainly be rewarded,
as will the one who takes them for Hajj, as a blessing and mercy from Allaah. It was
reported that ‘Umar said: ‘Children’s good deeds will be recorded and their
bad deeds will not be recorded.’ I do not know of anyone whose opinion is worth
following who said anything to the contrary.”

According to al-Ikmaal, many of the scholars said:
“Children will be rewarded for their acts of obedience (to Allaah), and their good
deeds will be recorded, but not their bad deeds.”

It says in Awaa’il al-Muqaddimaat: “The correct
opinion in my view is that they are both encouraged to do that and will both be rewarded
for it (i.e., the child and his or her guardian). The Prophet
(peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said to the woman [who asked about the child’s Hajj]:
‘… and you will be rewarded.’ And Allaah knows best.”

Ibn Jamaa’ah said: “According to the four (imaams), children
will be rewarded for their acts of obedience and their good deeds will be recorded,
whether they are mature or not. This was reported from ‘Umar, may Allaah be pleased
with him. Some scholars report that there was consensus (ijmaa’) in this
matter. It is also indicated by what we have already said under the heading of Virtues (fadaa’il),
that the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘The jihaad
of the very old and the very young is Hajj and ‘Umrah,’ as well as the hadeeth
about the woman who lifted up a child.”

And Allaah knows best.

Spiritual training of children

 

I have a young child who is three years old, and I want to instill faith in his heart. What should I do?

Praise be to Allaah.
 

 

A child who is three
years old should see his mother and father praying, and he should hear them
reciting Qur’aan, for if a child hears his parents and brothers reciting
Qur’aan and daily dhikr repeatedly, this nourishes his soul and brings his
heart to life as the rain brings life to a dry barren land, because when a
child hears his parents remembering Allaah and sees them worshipping him,
that has an effect on his own words and actions. 

An example of that is the following story of a young girl: 

Her mother finished her wudoo’, and her three-year-old
daughter washed her face and hands, copying her mother, then she raised her
forefinger saying, “Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah.” This indicates that the
little girl had been watching her mother and noticed that there was a
specific dhikr to be said after making wudoo’. 

In another story, a mother did the Sunnah of wudoo’ (saying “Laa
ilaaha ill-Allaah”) one day, then she got up to finish her housework.
Her daughter had gotten used to seeing her mother sitting after praying
until she had finished reciting the du’aa’s to be said after prayer, and she
noticed that her mother had got up straight after doing the Sunnah prayer,
so she said to her, “Why did you get up before saying, “Astaghfir-Allaah”?
This attitude indicates how closely children watch their parents. 

Man is exposed to
sickness and diseases, and a child may fall ill. Then his illness should be
an opportunity to strengthen his relationship with Allaah, by reminding him
of the virtues of good health, and that it is the blessing of Allaah, and
that we must thank Him for that, and that man has no power and no strength
except with his Lord. When giving him medicine or going to the hospital, we
should tell him that healing comes from Allaah, but these are means which
Allaah has enjoined upon us. Then we should get them accustomed to ruqyah as
prescribed in sharee’ah. We should tell them about the example of the
Prophets and how they took the necessary means and put their trust in
Allaah, such as the story of Ayyoob (peace be upon him) and his sickness,
and the story of Ya’qoob (peace be upon him), when he told his sons to enter
by different gates, and that would not avail them against Allaah at all, and
how he left the matter to Allaah. Allaah tells us that Ya’qoob said: 

“Do not enter by one gate, but enter by different gates,
and I cannot avail you against Allaah at all”

[Yoosuf 12:67 – interpretation of the meaning] 

One of the most important things is to remind children to
seek reward and to bear sickness and medical treatment with patience. One
little girl reminded her mother that Allaah wanted her to bear with patience
the sickness which the doctors described as chronic. That was according to
human doctors, but healing is in the hand of Allaah. The mother remembered
that this child had to take medicine twice every day, and her mother always
reminded her to seek reward. One day this little girl said to her mother, “I
will get reward because I am taking this medicine.” She said that as if she
felt proud of this reward and the reward that her family and siblings would
receive. 

Developing a girl’s self-confidence

 

My parents treated me very badly, to such an extent that I lost my self-confidence and became hesitant and fearful. I couldn’t do anything right and I did not know how to make a decision. I got married and Allaah has blessed me with a daughter. I want to avoid what happened to me so that this regrettable experience is not repeated with my daughter. What do you advise me to do?

 

Praise
be to Allaah.

At the age of two, a child starts to form her attitude
towards the world around her. Some developmental psychologists think that
the sense of self-confidence is one of the first of these attitudes and the
strength of these feelings at age 2 depends on the kind of care that the
child receives and on the parents’ attitude in meeting her basic needs. At
this stage the child shows signs of development by showing a desire for
independence, as she needs the freedom to speak, walk and play. All of that
is connected to the need to assert herself which can only be achieved by
allowing her a measure of independence. This is confirmed by the theory of
development through maturity which says that we should respect the child’s
individuality and leave him or her to develop naturally. Some girls grow up
lacking self-confidence so that they cannot rely upon themselves in any
matter, major or minor. They rarely take any initiative and are always
waiting for someone to say, “Do such and such.” If faced with a problem,
such a girl will be unable to take any decision and may try to avoid
confronting the problem, or start crying. This is partly the parents’ fault,
and it may be for a number of reasons, such as:

 

-        
Too much control (“Do this,
don’t do that”) in major and minor matters alike, even if the matter does
not warrant it, so that the child loses her spontaneity and this makes her
lose confidence in her actions, and instead she always waits for someone to
correct her and reassure her that she is doing the right thing.

-        
Blaming and criticizing her for
everything she does, seeking out her faults and rebuking her if she makes a
mistake, so that she is blamed and rebuked more than she deserves at the
time when she is expecting praise for her efforts. This destroys the child’s
motivation to act or to compete in doing anything and doing it well.

-        
Not giving the child the
opportunity to speak in front of others for fear that she may make a mistake
or speak of things that are not desirable, or else allowing her to speak but
telling her what she should say.

-        
Giving her too many warnings
about danger, which will make her always expect the worst and imagine that
she is surrounded by danger on all sides.

-        
Putting her down or comparing
her to others, which makes her think that she has no worth.

-        
Making fun of her and mocking
her.

-        
Not paying attention to her
questions.

-        
Paying too much attention in a
manner that shows excessive worry about her health or her future.

 

Lack of self-confidence has many negative effects on the
child, such as:

 

1-    
She will not be able to do
anything independently, and if she is asked to bring something and finds
that it differs from the description given, she will be hesitant; if she is
faced with a problem she will be unable to take a decision.

2-    
She will become dull-witted and
not creative.

3-    
She will start to complain and
feel unhappy whenever anything is asked of her, because she thinks that she
will be blamed for whatever she does and that she will not be able to do it
in the manner required.

4-    
She will become weak-willed and
will have no resolve, and she will feel meek and apathetic in situations
where such attitudes are not appropriate, and will become neglectful and
disorganized.

5-    
She will suffer anxiety and
frustration, and will develop a hostile attitude or a tendency to become
introverted and withdrawn.

 

In order to avoid these negative effects on the child,
parents should use a number of ways to develop the child’s self-confidence.
Some examples follow, but this is not a complete list:

 

-        
They should draw up some
general guidelines to follow by telling her what Allaah has made
permissible, which she may do, and what He has forbidden, which she must
avoid. They should make her aware of noble attributes and good manners, and
instill in her a dislike for bad manners, deeds and words, and the need to
steer clear of trivial matters. Then after that they should give her the
freedom to act on her own initiative.

-        
The mother should assign her
some tasks that she is able to do. If she makes a mistake the mother should
praise her for her initiative and encourage her, then tell her what she
should have done. Sometimes she should just praise her for her efforts, then
complete the work in a gentle manner, without telling her directly. If the
task is not something that the child is able to do, then the mother may do
it and consult the child and ask for her opinion, and let the child state
what she thinks is good and is not, so that the child will realize that
everyone is vulnerable to making mistakes but also gets things right
sometimes. This will strengthen her resolve.

-        
The parents should try to
praise the child in front of her relatives and friends, and give her rewards
commensurate with her efforts. They should praise her for the acts of
worship that she does, such as praying regularly, memorizing Qur’aan, doing
well in her studies, having a good attitude, and so on.

-        
They should give her a nickname
that will distinguish her from others, but they should not allow anyone to
call her by a bad nickname. If she makes them angry they should call her by
her real name, so that she will realize that she has fallen short in her
duty to one or both of them, or that she has wronged somebody, so that she
will realize that.

-        
Strengthening her will-power,
by getting her used to two things, namely:

(a)   
Keeping secrets: when she knows
how to keep secrets and not divulge them, then her will-power will develop
and grow stronger, and thus her self-confidence will increase.

(b)  
Getting her used to fasting,
for when she stands firm in the face of hunger and thirst when fasting, she
will feel the joy of achieving victory over her nafs (self), which will
strengthen her will-power when facing life, which in turn will increase her
self-confidence.

-        
Strengthening her confidence in
dealing with other people. This may be done by getting her to do housework,
obeying the parents’ commands, and letting her sit with the adults and get
together with other youngsters.

-        
Strengthening her confidence in
gaining knowledge, by teaching her the Qur’aan and the Sunnah of the
Messenger of Allaah SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and
his Seerah (biography), so that she will grow up having acquired abundant
knowledge in childhood, so that she will have a sense of confidence in the
knowledge that she has, because she will have gained the basic principles of
true knowledge, far removed from myths and legends.

 

On the other hand, the parents must also take some
precautions and take effective measures to save the child from feeling
inadequate. Some of the things that cause a child to feel inadequate are:
belittling her, humiliating her and mocking her, such as calling her by
offensive names and words in front of her siblings and relatives, or even in
front of her friends or in front of strangers whom she has never met before.
These are matters which may make her regard herself as insignificant and
worthless, or may generate psychological complexes that will make her look
at others with hatred and dislike, and make her withdraw into herself in
order to escape from life.

 

Even if the offensive words that slip from the parents’
tongues are only for the purpose of disciplining the child for some mistake,
great or small, it is not right to use this method to correct her, as this
will have a bad effect on the child’s psyche and personal conduct, and it
will make her accustomed to the language of condemnation and insult that
will destroy her psychologically and morally.

 

The best way of dealing with this
problem is to explain to the child, in a gentle manner, where she has gone
wrong and to give her proof that will convince her to avoid the mistake in
future; the parents should not scold her, and certainly not in front of
others. The parents should use good methods in correcting her from the
outset, following the example of the Messenger SAWS (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) in the way he reformed and trained people and corrected
their mistakes. For the child is very sensitive and readily influenced,
irrational and helpless. Building the child’s self-confidence is the first
step in building her personality through all stages of life.