My parents treated me very badly, to such an extent that I lost my self-confidence and became hesitant and fearful. I couldn’t do anything right and I did not know how to make a decision. I got married and Allaah has blessed me with a daughter. I want to avoid what happened to me so that this regrettable experience is not repeated with my daughter. What do you advise me to do?
Praise
be to Allaah.At the age of two, a child starts to form her attitude
towards the world around her. Some developmental psychologists think that
the sense of self-confidence is one of the first of these attitudes and the
strength of these feelings at age 2 depends on the kind of care that the
child receives and on the parents’ attitude in meeting her basic needs. At
this stage the child shows signs of development by showing a desire for
independence, as she needs the freedom to speak, walk and play. All of that
is connected to the need to assert herself which can only be achieved by
allowing her a measure of independence. This is confirmed by the theory of
development through maturity which says that we should respect the child’s
individuality and leave him or her to develop naturally. Some girls grow up
lacking self-confidence so that they cannot rely upon themselves in any
matter, major or minor. They rarely take any initiative and are always
waiting for someone to say, “Do such and such.” If faced with a problem,
such a girl will be unable to take any decision and may try to avoid
confronting the problem, or start crying. This is partly the parents’ fault,
and it may be for a number of reasons, such as:
-
Too much control (“Do this,
don’t do that”) in major and minor matters alike, even if the matter does
not warrant it, so that the child loses her spontaneity and this makes her
lose confidence in her actions, and instead she always waits for someone to
correct her and reassure her that she is doing the right thing.-
Blaming and criticizing her for
everything she does, seeking out her faults and rebuking her if she makes a
mistake, so that she is blamed and rebuked more than she deserves at the
time when she is expecting praise for her efforts. This destroys the child’s
motivation to act or to compete in doing anything and doing it well.-
Not giving the child the
opportunity to speak in front of others for fear that she may make a mistake
or speak of things that are not desirable, or else allowing her to speak but
telling her what she should say.-
Giving her too many warnings
about danger, which will make her always expect the worst and imagine that
she is surrounded by danger on all sides.-
Putting her down or comparing
her to others, which makes her think that she has no worth.-
Making fun of her and mocking
her.-
Not paying attention to her
questions.-
Paying too much attention in a
manner that shows excessive worry about her health or her future.
Lack of self-confidence has many negative effects on the
child, such as:
1-
She will not be able to do
anything independently, and if she is asked to bring something and finds
that it differs from the description given, she will be hesitant; if she is
faced with a problem she will be unable to take a decision.2-
She will become dull-witted and
not creative.3-
She will start to complain and
feel unhappy whenever anything is asked of her, because she thinks that she
will be blamed for whatever she does and that she will not be able to do it
in the manner required.4-
She will become weak-willed and
will have no resolve, and she will feel meek and apathetic in situations
where such attitudes are not appropriate, and will become neglectful and
disorganized.5-
She will suffer anxiety and
frustration, and will develop a hostile attitude or a tendency to become
introverted and withdrawn.
In order to avoid these negative effects on the child,
parents should use a number of ways to develop the child’s self-confidence.
Some examples follow, but this is not a complete list:
-
They should draw up some
general guidelines to follow by telling her what Allaah has made
permissible, which she may do, and what He has forbidden, which she must
avoid. They should make her aware of noble attributes and good manners, and
instill in her a dislike for bad manners, deeds and words, and the need to
steer clear of trivial matters. Then after that they should give her the
freedom to act on her own initiative.-
The mother should assign her
some tasks that she is able to do. If she makes a mistake the mother should
praise her for her initiative and encourage her, then tell her what she
should have done. Sometimes she should just praise her for her efforts, then
complete the work in a gentle manner, without telling her directly. If the
task is not something that the child is able to do, then the mother may do
it and consult the child and ask for her opinion, and let the child state
what she thinks is good and is not, so that the child will realize that
everyone is vulnerable to making mistakes but also gets things right
sometimes. This will strengthen her resolve.-
The parents should try to
praise the child in front of her relatives and friends, and give her rewards
commensurate with her efforts. They should praise her for the acts of
worship that she does, such as praying regularly, memorizing Qur’aan, doing
well in her studies, having a good attitude, and so on.-
They should give her a nickname
that will distinguish her from others, but they should not allow anyone to
call her by a bad nickname. If she makes them angry they should call her by
her real name, so that she will realize that she has fallen short in her
duty to one or both of them, or that she has wronged somebody, so that she
will realize that.-
Strengthening her will-power,
by getting her used to two things, namely:(a)
Keeping secrets: when she knows
how to keep secrets and not divulge them, then her will-power will develop
and grow stronger, and thus her self-confidence will increase.(b)
Getting her used to fasting,
for when she stands firm in the face of hunger and thirst when fasting, she
will feel the joy of achieving victory over her nafs (self), which will
strengthen her will-power when facing life, which in turn will increase her
self-confidence.-
Strengthening her confidence in
dealing with other people. This may be done by getting her to do housework,
obeying the parents’ commands, and letting her sit with the adults and get
together with other youngsters.-
Strengthening her confidence in
gaining knowledge, by teaching her the Qur’aan and the Sunnah of the
Messenger of Allaah SAWS (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), and
his Seerah (biography), so that she will grow up having acquired abundant
knowledge in childhood, so that she will have a sense of confidence in the
knowledge that she has, because she will have gained the basic principles of
true knowledge, far removed from myths and legends.
On the other hand, the parents must also take some
precautions and take effective measures to save the child from feeling
inadequate. Some of the things that cause a child to feel inadequate are:
belittling her, humiliating her and mocking her, such as calling her by
offensive names and words in front of her siblings and relatives, or even in
front of her friends or in front of strangers whom she has never met before.
These are matters which may make her regard herself as insignificant and
worthless, or may generate psychological complexes that will make her look
at others with hatred and dislike, and make her withdraw into herself in
order to escape from life.
Even if the offensive words that slip from the parents’
tongues are only for the purpose of disciplining the child for some mistake,
great or small, it is not right to use this method to correct her, as this
will have a bad effect on the child’s psyche and personal conduct, and it
will make her accustomed to the language of condemnation and insult that
will destroy her psychologically and morally.
The best way of dealing with this
problem is to explain to the child, in a gentle manner, where she has gone
wrong and to give her proof that will convince her to avoid the mistake in
future; the parents should not scold her, and certainly not in front of
others. The parents should use good methods in correcting her from the
outset, following the example of the Messenger SAWS (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) in the way he reformed and trained people and corrected
their mistakes. For the child is very sensitive and readily influenced,
irrational and helpless. Building the child’s self-confidence is the first
step in building her personality through all stages of life.
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